bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.