wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Britain be like
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I have so many questions.