Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains