Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).