[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….