I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Tuesday
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Spell check is for lasers.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Every work meeting this week
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.