Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m giving up ice.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.