After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Legend 🤣🤣
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Important
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: