I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What the hell happened here.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
you gotta be faster
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes