When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Happy weekend !
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”