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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
just left a huge legacy in there
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not