The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
#catsoftwitter
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.