How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.