Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
These aliens are taking forever.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”