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“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.