me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.