November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”