me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”