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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
White Castle for the Win
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
repaired
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?