her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
HELP 😭
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else