My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*