I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
they split up moments later
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind