Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.