What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
only 11 steps left
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The three genders
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.