criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.