Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Finally!
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Always…
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
how to exercise your calf muscles
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me too door. Me too.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them