My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.