They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter