The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Eat…
yeah not falling for this one
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.