I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The Punning Dead.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”