Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A ghost story