Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
What?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Don’t talk down to me
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.