Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me trying to reach for my goals
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.