One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
New favorite tiktok
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I only eat vegetarians.