Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Has science gone too far?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours