My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.