Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.