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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”