I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
rapatouille
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship