Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.