the icebreaker
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
They must have gotten it to go.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.