Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.