Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.