Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*sewing*
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