[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
one last job
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.