if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]