Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop