My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
…żyje?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?