I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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when dads have a rap battle
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it