Finally, an instrument I can play!
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.